Should you explore your secret kink?


  • Fantasies primarily exist in our minds and imagination, which makes them so personal and powerful. Trying out these fantasies might be fantastic.
  • Exploring your fantasies and kinks by chatting online can be a good way to figure out what turns you on without going too far too fast. The great thing about the internet is that it is easier to find like-minded people.
  • Whatever your fantasy is, you could be putting your health and that of others at risk if you try something new before knowing how safe it is. The GMFA have a useful guide to check this. 


People often push boundaries when they fantasize about great sex. Is there something that you regularly masturbate about that you’ve never tried in real life? Of course, maybe it’s something you’d rather keep in your imagination, but is it time to explore your secret kink?

Exploring your fantasies does not mean you have to take additional risks. Whether by using sex-toys, dressing in leather, role play or wearing football socks, trying out your fantasies can add a new dimension to your sex life.

As many fantasies are based in your headspace, you can often explore them without penetration. It can be the feel, look and touch of leather, for example, verbal or dressing up in rugby gear to explore a fantasy.

Some activities might need extra consideration. If you are being tied up or being blindfolded, for example, you need to trust the person you are with to ensure the sex is safe. If you are using toys with different partners they need to be washed thoroughly or different condoms can be used on them with each new partner.

If your fantasy is around a sexual activity you have never tried, like fisting or watersports, you should find out how risky it is for your sexual health before you try it. More information about different types of sex can be found here.

For some people, just talking about fantasies can be enough. Exploring fantasies and kinks by chatting online can be a good way to figure out what turns you on without going too far too fast. Some guys will not be into the same things as you, that is fine, there will be plenty of people online who are.

Being in a relationship and discussing fantasies can be more difficult than it seems. If you are into watersports or want to try spanking, how do you bring it up and what if he says no?

Our fantasies are often separate from our real sex lives, unless we decide to act them out. If they are not going to cause anyone harm, or get anyone in trouble, then it can be satisfying to discuss fantasies and try them with your partner. Maybe you could agree to share one fantasy with each other that you would like to explore together.

Long-term partners may be surprised to learn about a new sexual fantasy. Some partners might wonder why they were not told before. Revealing your fantasies can feel daunting.

Dr Joe Kort, the author of 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Improve Their Lives, says: “It is very brave of your partner to tell you about his fetish. It is like another coming out. Telling sexual secrets and fantasies comes with the same complications of telling others you are gay. Fears of rejection and negative judgment are in the foreground. Just as it is a sign of how close someone feels to you to tell of their being gay, the same is true of telling you about a sexual fetish. Consider this a sign that he feels closer to you and is ready to share his innermost fantasies, which may be unconventional.”

It’s important to discuss the details of what you actually want to try. Just saying ‘bondage’ can mean different things to different people. Your partner might be willing to tie you up but might not want the same done to him. Explore the boundaries around your fantasies and see what each of you is prepared to try.

Pushing the boundaries of sexual desire is not a green light to do anything you want. Your partner may not want to try all of your fantasies. Communication is key and you should discuss limits with each other before trying anything new.

If you do try fantasies out it might be fantastic, but it is important to remember that it might not be what you expected. Fantasies primarily exist in our minds and imagination, which makes them so personal and powerful. However, when the logical mind kicks in, some fantasies do not work quite so well in reality.

There is advice on the risks associated with different types of sex on GMFA’s website.

Exploring non-sexual fantasies


Our fantasies can often be fueled by our sex lives, leading us to ignore other things in life that can give us pleasure. You might have a goal you have always wanted to achieve; writing a book, reconnecting with old friends, taking a class, or other bucket-list things you want to do. Now could be the time to reignite your efforts.

Here are some top tips for achieving your goals.

Are you doing it for you?

With so much pressure from the media and social media, it is important to make sure your dreams are ones that you really want and not the fantasy of someone else. Your passion should come from you, not what others expect of you. Little things can make you happier, not only big life changes.

Be realistic

Your dreams need to be achievable and realistic. What small change could make you feel happier – it might be as simple as starting a new hobby, spending more time with friends or learning a new skill.

Take small steps

Break down your ambitions into manageable steps. What can you achieve in one week – and then two weeks – that will help you get there? Creating a three-month goal is easier than aiming for a big change in a year, or a lifetime.

Make a habit of achievement

Creating a daily action plan with time set aside for personal goals will help you form a habit of giving time to yourself.

Share your dreams

Research shows that sharing your goals with a person close to you can increase the chances of achieving them. It also gives you someone to celebrate with, when you pass each stage of your journey.