Four questions – how to talk about sex

Some people find it difficult to talk about sex. But good communication means better sex, and can make a big difference to protecting your health and happiness.

The easiest way to take control is to clearly communicate what you want and do not want. Men are not psychic, so being open and honest is better than assuming the other knows.

To think about how you can communicate better you can ask yourself these questions:

How have you communicated about sex in the past?

Think about a situation where you have talked about sex with a guy. Could the situation be improved by being more direct? Taking away ambiguity and being assertive from the start can reduce awkward conversations and helps you to take control of your sex life.

Are you clear about what you want to happen?

Do you know what you would say if someone asks you what kind of sex you like or what you are into? Some guys have never actually voiced their desires, but knowing exactly what you like, makes it easier to ask for the type of sex you want.

Use simple, firm, direct statements, such as ‘I like’ and ‘I want’.

Just as you have the right to communicate what you want, so does your partner. Ask, listen and do not feel pressured. Tell him which of his desires you are happy with and say no to those you are not.

And if you are not sexually compatible, do you really want to have sex with him anyway? Not every guy will be a good match.

Do you start the conversation, or wait for him?

Do not always wait for someone else to talk about sex. If you are chatting to a guy and it looks like things are moving towards sex, be assertive and tell him what you like. And if you are taking a break from sex, tell him early on so you do not feel pressured later.

What happened when sex was not what you wanted?

Figuring out what went wrong when you had sex that you were not happy with can be a big step towards better sex. Maybe you were afraid of rejection or you might have made a decision whilst under the influence of alcohol or drugs.