Fantasy talk

Being is a relationship and discussing fantasies can be more difficult than it seems. If you are into watersports or want to try spanking, how do you bring it up and what if he says no?

Our fantasies are often separate from our real sex lives, unless we decide to act them out. If they are not going to cause anyone harm, or get anyone in trouble, then it can be satisfying to discuss fantasies and try them with your partner. Maybe you could agree to share one fantasy with each other that you would like to explore together.

Long-term partners may be surprised to learn about a new sexual fantasy. Some partners might wonder why they were not been told before. Revealing your fantasies can feel daunting.

Dr Joe Kort, author of 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Improve Their Lives, says: “It is very brave of your partner to tell you about his fetish. It is like another coming out. Telling sexual secrets and fantasies comes with the same complications of telling others you are gay. Fears of rejection and negative judgment are in the foreground. Just as it is a sign of how close someone feels to you to tell of their being gay, the same is true of telling you about a sexual fetish. Consider this a sign that he feels closer to you and is ready to share his innermost fantasies, which may be unconventional.”

It’s important to discuss the detail of what you actually want to try. Just saying ‘bondage’ can mean different things to different people. Your partner might be willing to tie you up but might not want the same done to him. Explore the boundaries around your fantasies and see what each of you is prepared to try.

Pushing the boundaries of sexual desire is not a green light to do anything you want. Your partner may not want to try all of your fantasies. Communication is key and you should discuss limits with each other before trying anything new.

If you do try fantasies out it might be fantastic, but it is important to remember that it might not be what you expected. Fantasies primarily exist in our minds and imagination, which makes them so personal and powerful. However, when the logical mind kicks in, some fantasies do not work quite so well in reality.

There is advice on the risks associated with different types of sex on GMFA’s website: https://www.gmfa.org.uk/how-risky-is.